On the night of my husband’s murder, at the crime scene, while sitting behind a bush tucked away from everyone, I yearned for a sign that Richard was in heaven. I felt like I could only “accept” his death if I had confirmation that I would see him again and we would be together eternally.
There wasn’t a burning bush or anything, although there were a few supernatural signs that are too descriptive to write in this blog, but what happened that night in my heart has not left me. While walking up and down the street, as I yelled out to God to become audible to me, when I demanded His presence – He showed up deep in my soul like I’ve never felt before. The best way to describe this feeling is like an anchor.
When I demanded His presence, He showed up deep in my soul like I’ve never felt before. The best way to describe this feeling is like an anchor. I am the boat. I am swaying back and forth, feeling sick and appearing to be all over the place – but I am anchored in God’s love, grace and protection.I am the boat. I am swaying back and forth, feeling sick and appearing to be all over the place – but I am anchored in God’s love, grace and protection.
When I lost my husband unexpectedly, my entire world was flipped upside down. I lost my stepdaughter who was with us full time, I lost my in-laws whose grief put them in a very dark and bitter place, I lost friends who felt I was being “selfish” when I couldn’t find the energy or desire to get out of bed, I lost my car, my house, my job…. Oh yes, when I say my world was flipped upside down that is not said flippantly.
But throughout all of these losses and changes, there was ONE consistent source.
God. He was there.
It’s our human nature to have to see, touch, feel, or smell to comprehend something or someone is present. But nothing in the flesh can deliver the same power, comfort, or certainty as God’s love. We have to get past the desire to have something in front our face and get in tune with what’s in our heart – that is where God is present. When I was still, and desperate, I unmistakably felt it in my heart.
Nothing in the flesh can deliver the same power, comfort, or certainty as God’s love. When I was still, and desperate, I unmistakably felt it in my heart.Don’t get me wrong, I still felt pain, disappointment, fear, anxiety, etc…. but I don’t get stuck there. I recognize that when I feel those things, I was giving them more attention than I was giving God. I would cry out to Him, literally cry out, and after a few moments I would feel His arms around me, a warm soothing breath of reassurance pumped into my chest, and my mind would feel at peace. There is no trick to this – it’s just God meeting you when you ask Him to be there.
Faith bridges the gap from where we are, to where God’s peace lies. And when you find peace in His presence you will find joy again.