Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary, Ali and I never got to spend one anniversary together, she died 8 months into our marriage. Each anniversary, I have felt cheated and robbed that I didn’t get to celebrate at least one anniversary with her. When I was 18, I quit going to church and didn’t return until I was 32, and a few months later Ali found me and we hit it off immediately, and we were married 10 months later. I was confused when she was taken from me, because I turned my life around and was back on the path to return to God. I had believed that I deserved at least one wedding anniversary with my wife, and I’ve been mad at God because I didn’t get one. If she had to go, didn’t I at least deserve one celebration together?
This week in a class at church, the topic was about pride. I learned that at its core, pride is when one thinks they know better than God. Pride is thinking life should play out a certain way, when God has other plans. Pride is getting angry with God, and rejecting his will. Pride is the obstacle in the way of happiness, because God is the author of happiness and his will is the path to it, and when one thinks the path should be different, one becomes their own obstacle in the way of themselves.
This week I have learned that I have been prideful each year with my wedding anniversary. I have let myself become bitter with God, because I thought I knew how things should play out and what I’m entitled to. My pride has kept me from fully trusting in God and his wisdom. He knew what he was doing when he authored the rules of mortality and that with life there must be death. He knew what he was doing when my wife died after getting hit by a bus trying to help someone. He knew that there were worse outcomes in store if she didn’t go. This is my own personal belief, and I have prayed to know why she had to go, and the answer I was given was that it was for our eternal marriage. I have let my pride make celebrating the best day of my life become an obstacle full of pain and sorrow, and it has been my choice of putting that obstacle there. Of course there is grief to deal with and that’s normal, but I’m talking about letting negativity and bitterness consume me.
I believe that I am sealed to my wife for eternity, and that is great cause of celebration, every single day! My eternal marriage has not been robbed from me, only I can chose to rob myself of it. This week I have decided to surrender my pride to God, and stop harboring ill feelings of loss. Through doing so, this is the first anniversary where I have felt peace and gratitude. Yes, life isn’t the way I would like it to be, but I have to trust God if I want to be happy. I testify that trusting in God and letting him be in control is how to feel peace about losing a spouse.
Questions to Ponder:
- How can not trusting God keep you from feeling peace?
- How does bitterness and negativity prevent you from healing? What can you choose to do with those feelings?