Yeah, I am ok.
That is what I will tell you if you ask me how I am doing. I am ok.
And for the most part I really am. Bart’s passing was not expected, but I have received some very special/sacred answers to my prayers letting me know that it was his time. He was needed elsewhere.
Bart is my best friend and we were always together. We may not have always agreed on everything, but at the end of the day — we really were the best of friends. We were goofy and silly. We had pet names for each other and even an annoying little voice we would talk in sometimes.
We had countless inside jokes and he would send me funny memes all the time that made me laugh. He had a terrible bad habit of taking embarrassing pictures or videos of me sleeping. I remember once when I was pregnant with Isaac I was snoring so loudly that he recorded it and played it back so loud that it woke me up and he thought he was SOOOO funny.
He was the best with our boys and they love and miss their daddy so much. Bart was the stay at home dad for most of both their lives. While it was a really really hard job, he wouldn’t have traded that time he got with them for anything.
I miss him like crazy. I keep thinking for some reason I can text him. And there have been times in the car when I am driving that I actually to reach out to put my hand on his leg. I get sad when I do those things, that remind me that his physical body is no longer with me.
Caleb my 3 year old is a little Mini Bart. Almost in every way. His eyes are identical to his daddy’s even the color. I find myself trying to stare into them and see Bart. Caleb thinks I am crazy. “You looking at me again mom?” Ha, yes baby boy. I looking at you.
Caleb asks every night for Daddy Stories. At first they were memories that I would tell him, but now he will name things he wants me to include in these stories. Last night I needed to tell him a story of Daddy, Jesus, rocks, pumpkins, grass, and trees. Hmmmmm…. That story was very interesting. I am working on little books to tell him real daddy stories so hopefully his little mind wont retain these silly stories as something that really happened!
Last night was exceptionally hard. He wanted a daddy story and so I started off by telling him how much his daddy loves both of his boys. And then I started describing how Bart looked. And little Cabey told me, “And daddy has a RED beard, Mom!” That made me loose it. Caleb loved his dad’s red beard. He shaved it off a couple months ago and begged and cried for Bart to put it back! Luckily two days later we had a beard back, but holy moly. It was tragic.
Caleb remembers him. I know he will always remember a tiny piece of him because they are so close. But – I know most of these memories will fade. And sweet baby Isaac will only have the memories I have to share to remember him.
While laying at the foot of my bed crying while my boys slept, I cried in despair. Praying so hard that Bart could come physically comfort me just for that night. Then plain as day I could hear his voice say, “Why don’t you ask your mom for a hug, isn’t that why youre staying with her?” Hmmmm, it kinda made me stop for a minute, swallow my pride and smile. So I marched in to my momma’s room and sobbed in her lap for a while. Boy did that feel good.
I am strong, but I need to be gentle with myself. I am learning that the hard way. I feel I have to be so strong around these boys but I am also learning that it is ok for them to see mommy cry. They need to see that it is ok to miss daddy, and it is ok to be sad. And then when they see me recover and start being happy – that is the best thing for them to see as well.
Questions to Ponder:
- How can telling your children stories help them with their grief?
- How can listening to inspiration help you get direction?