Things to Forgive

things to forgive

Emotions!  I don’t know what to do with them because they are everywhere lately.  I hurt for myself, for my kids for the uncertainty of life, for those that are struggling themselves and the emotions I have to deal with are heavy and huge right now. It’s okay. I will get through this but healing is hard work.

Today I sat down and wrote down the things I need to forgive.  I am harboring some serious things in my heart and I need to find a way to let them go.  I replay certain memories in my head and they become monsters and the only person they are hurting is me.  It’s going to be a process to remove these emotions because the damage done was real but I cannot control that the damage has been done. The only thing I can control is how I cope with it and how I process it. Do I want to let it fester and become an infection that kills my soul or find a way to let go of these hurtful emotions.

The first step in the Addiction program is honesty.  If I am going to be honest I have to acknowledge all the hurt but also all the good these people have done in my life. Then I need to find a way to forgive because they will never recognize that they have done wrong and say sorry. Even if they did, that would not erase the hurt in my heart. I am the only one that has power to do that and when I say, I am the only one, I mean with the help of the atonement and my Savior Jesus Christ I can remove these black feelings from my heart. I know I am not capable of doing it alone and I do not think it will be anytime soon that I am able to release these feelings but at least I am starting.

I sobbed today as I wrote down the hurts I suffered. Jason’s things to forgive were the hardest to write because I really loved him and I truly believe he loved me. Being hurt by the one you are closest to is painful.  I have some deep hurts in regards to him and I sobbed.  This kind of pain is physical.  It makes your stomach hurt. This pain saps all your energy.  Again, I marvel that Christ could take on not only our physical pain but our emotional pain too because this pain is overwhelming me.  I cry and cry and cry.  Change is hard work.  I admire the addiction/recovery individuals that survive their changes. I hope to be as brave and powerful as they are as I work through all of this. It will take time.

I wish so desperately that we didn’t have to understand pain to know joy.  Yet, I know that someday, I will be somewhere and realize out of the blue that I have true joy because I knew true sorrow.  I’ll hold on for another day because I have hope for that moment.

Questions to Ponder:

  1. Who or what do you need to forgive?

Check out this post in the Forgiveness Badge

My entrance into grief came crashing into existence the day I found out my son’s heart was no longer beating and I would have to deliver his tiny body.  On October 21, 2014 I was plunged into another pool of grief when my husband, who had lived with depression for years, chose to take his own life. This leaves me at 38 to raise four amazing children ages 14, 11, 9 and 3 on my own.  We cope with anxiety and depression in various forms.  How do I go on? I know God loves me and that he has a plan for me. I know that while it is not okay today, it will be in the end.  I also believe firmly in living in today.  After all, today is the day I’m living so I might as well enjoy its glorious chaos.  

  Check out Melinda Mack’s blog at Doing

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