Emotions! I don’t know what to do with them because they are everywhere lately. I hurt for myself, for my kids for the uncertainty of life, for those that are struggling themselves and the emotions I have to deal with are heavy and huge right now. It’s okay. I will get through this but healing is hard work.
Today I sat down and wrote down the things I need to forgive. I am harboring some serious things in my heart and I need to find a way to let them go. I replay certain memories in my head and they become monsters and the only person they are hurting is me. It’s going to be a process to remove these emotions because the damage done was real but I cannot control that the damage has been done. The only thing I can control is how I cope with it and how I process it. Do I want to let it fester and become an infection that kills my soul or find a way to let go of these hurtful emotions.
The first step in the Addiction program is honesty. If I am going to be honest I have to acknowledge all the hurt but also all the good these people have done in my life. Then I need to find a way to forgive because they will never recognize that they have done wrong and say sorry. Even if they did, that would not erase the hurt in my heart. I am the only one that has power to do that and when I say, I am the only one, I mean with the help of the atonement and my Savior Jesus Christ I can remove these black feelings from my heart. I know I am not capable of doing it alone and I do not think it will be anytime soon that I am able to release these feelings but at least I am starting.
I sobbed today as I wrote down the hurts I suffered. Jason’s things to forgive were the hardest to write because I really loved him and I truly believe he loved me. Being hurt by the one you are closest to is painful. I have some deep hurts in regards to him and I sobbed. This kind of pain is physical. It makes your stomach hurt. This pain saps all your energy. Again, I marvel that Christ could take on not only our physical pain but our emotional pain too because this pain is overwhelming me. I cry and cry and cry. Change is hard work. I admire the addiction/recovery individuals that survive their changes. I hope to be as brave and powerful as they are as I work through all of this. It will take time.
I wish so desperately that we didn’t have to understand pain to know joy. Yet, I know that someday, I will be somewhere and realize out of the blue that I have true joy because I knew true sorrow. I’ll hold on for another day because I have hope for that moment.
Questions to Ponder:
- Who or what do you need to forgive?