We have all experienced incredible joy or excruciating pain at one point in our lives, multiple times maybe. Sometimes it can be physical, mental, or spiritual. For me it happened all at once in the course of a year.
The man of my dreams made me his forever, but shortly after he slipped into my dreams, he was taken to heaven.
I always felt I could make it through anything, I was unshakeable. However, this shook me. I had never felt more alone in my entire 27-year life; it was something I couldn’t handle. I have never been more erratic in my emotions than in the last few months. I have cried an ocean of tears, been angry, sad, depressed; completely beaten. Losing Bryan and dealing with the pain has been the most difficult trial of my life. My entire future changed without warning, and I didn’t know what to do.
As I have tried to make sense of it all, I have been reminded that although I may feel alone, I do have Jesus Christ -and this is between me and Him.
I Can Do All Things Through Christ Which Strengtheneth Me. -Philippians 4:13
“The Continuous Conversion” by Brad Wilcox has been helpful in reminding me of the need of a Savior. He states, “We all encounter many struggles that quickly become more than we can bear alone.” He then tells the story of a friend that seemed to explain how I feel at times:
“When my friend Kris Belcher tragically lost her sight due to cancer, people attempted to comfort her by saying, “You can make it through. Heavenly Father wouldn’t give you anything you couldn’t handle.” Kris wrote, “Although that was meant as encouragement, it made me feel horrible. I already felt powerless, weak, and unable to cope with my new life.” Inside she would cry, “I really can’t handle this! I have no more strength left. Everyone thinks I am so brave when I am scared to death!” In those low moments, the Holy Ghost comforted and taught her. She wrote, “The idea that I wouldn’t be given anything I couldn’t handle was not true! If it were, then there would be no need for Christ. I had been given many things to handle that required more power than I had. Only when I accessed the power of Jesus Christ would my strength be magnified and my weaknesses overcome.”
It’s been hard; a lot of things I don’t understand or will never know the answer, which frustrates me beyond belief. However, there are things that I do know that bring me comfort and strength. The Savior is real and His atonement, His grace is an amazingly beautiful gift. I know Heavenly Father is completely loving and all knowing; His will and plan is far better and greater than we can imagine. I know without the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I would be lost. I know that families can be forever through the Plan of Salvation; I know that I will be with my Bryan again. I know that there is hope and, with an eternal perspective, things don’t seem so bad. I know that there is good in the world because of all the love and support that I have been given, not only from family and friends, but complete strangers.The idea that I wouldn’t be given anything I couldn’t handle was not true! If it were, then there would be no need for Christ. I had been given many things to handle that required more power than I had. Only when I accessed the power of Jesus Christ would my strength be magnified and my weaknesses overcome. I know that prayer works. Without that personal and intimate communication with God, I could not be comforted, and I could not know of all these things. I know that I am loved and can still feel the love Bryan has for me.
I heard in a song once that said, “love is louder than all your pain.’ I find this to be true. The deep and everlasting love I have for Bryan keeps me going and will guide me for the rest of my life. I feel pain, but the love I have is stronger. I can say that I have witnessed this through the kindness of the people I am surrounded by. The love shown has also made me stronger, supported me in the moments of incredible pain, and reminds me that I will be able to feel joy again.
I am grateful for the Savior and the knowledge that He will always be there to hold me up, especially when I feel so alone. It is because of His grace that I still feel the love of Bryan. I know it is through Him I am able move forward; It is the way that I go on. It is a very slow process, but with Him I can do it.