Lynette is a widow or 5 years with 4 autistic sons.
Somedays I feel like one of those paddle balls, getting smacked across the atmosphere only to get jerked in the opposite direction when I reach the limit of the elastic cord connecting me to the board.
I wonder if the cord will eventually snap?
It’s no surprise that I’ve been processing a LOT this week. Today I decided to cut that cord tethering me to the paddle.
On top of all the other “issues” I’m dealing with currently, one I don’t mention as frequently is my need for adult interaction.
Okay, I lied, I probably mention that a lot.
It’s a HUGE challenge for me in not being able to participate in my “regular” social activities, let alone explore the concept and idea of online dating, when I don’t have enough providers. There are two particular conferences that are part of my social activities that I won’t be able to attend this year. I’ve struggled, and I mean struggled with missing both events.
This entire week just piled on the realizations that even thinking about attending these conferences was ludicrous. The realization that it’s absolutely OKAY to not attend came at the end of this long week, full of challenges and apparent set backs. I’ve read a few articles online that helped me process.
But I can change the impatient attitude to one of gratitude and joy as I recognize and realize Heavenly Father is allowing me this time to further develop the unique and special qualities that will hold me in good standing in a second marriage.One was about all of the wonderful Biblical examples of people who had to ‘WAIT’ on the Lord for desired blessings. I never thought I’d be edging closer to 5 years as a widow with nary a dating prospect in sight. I feel like I’ve been waiting a long time. But I can change the impatient attitude to one of gratitude and joy as I recognize and realize Heavenly Father is allowing me this time to further develop the unique and special qualities that will hold me in good standing in a second marriage.
The other article, and subsequent comments, was a blog post about how a mom hates autism. I’ll be honest, there have been more than a few moments, some lasting longer than others, where I’ve held the exact same attitude. I felt robbed as a mom of all the deliriously awesome things I would do with 4 boys. That’s almost an entire basketball team, half a baseball team, at least the front line of a football team. There are no driver’s licenses and no first dates. The grief cycle and I were on a first-name basis long before Tod ever died.
But as I read all the comments (some agreeing with the blogger, others positing that hating autism means you hate what makes the person unique and special) I came to my own conclusion:
I’m grateful for my sons’ autism.
Without the impact it has had on all of our lives, I would not be the person I am today. I am passionate and fierce, enthusiastic and devoted. My love for these wonderful boys and my awesome daughter has no bounds. I truly marvel at the magnitude of responsibility Heavenly Father entrusted me with, and I often feel woefully inadequate. I grow a little more each day.
Between those 2 articles, and my own mental musings, scripture reading, and praying, it all boiled down to this:
I know my loving Heavenly Father has a blessed plan for me.
I know that living the gospel brings me peace and joy, and even as I wait for the additional blessings He has in store for me, I can choose to be miserable (a thing to be acted upon) or I can choose to rejoice (a thing to act).
I’m learning, I’m growing, I’m processing, I’m trusting, I’m loving, I’m rejoicing, I’m being.