The Rollercoaster Emotions of Suicide

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Friday was lousy. I think Fridays are the worst days because by the end of the week you are so worn out from corralling children and the noise, the messes, the sleepless nights and just the overall chaos have gotten to you. Moms need breaks. I work all day and in my case most nights.  I’m on call constantly and sometimes I just need out.  Fridays are hard because it’s the day the person you love takes care of you by just taking you away from it for a while and engaging you in conversation and fun and otherness. Fridays are hard because it’s the day the person you love takes care of you by just taking you away from it for a while and engaging you in conversation and fun and otherness.  I woke Friday morning and just became so sad that my day would end the same as it does every night. It’s just me.  I talk to me and I go to bed. I hate that. I hate it so much.  I can find ways to free myself during the week on a walk or at the gym or with a friend but Friday night is different. You just want someone with you.  There is no way around that.  It doesn’t even have to be exciting but you just want to be with the person you love and be alive and real and human; not mom.  So, Friday was hard. I just wanted out and there didn’t seem to be anything I wanted to do.  I was like a three year old offered choices and none of them satisfied me. Petulant that is what I was.  Thank goodness I have good friends who swooped in to save me from boredom and insanity.

 

I went and painted. I will never be Angie Woods but it was fun to try.  I just liked being out doing something different; something I hadn’t done since I was a 12 year old girl drawing trees in the basement with chalk.  It was lovely to laugh and talk and not have to be in charge of everyone and help with everyone’s emotions and needs.  I’m not vulnerable or impulsive.  Sometimes I just need a chance to live again. It’s been so long and I need away from those wonderful roomies of mine.  They are amazing but they are demanding and constant and sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe.

Friday I was really angry at Jason again.

I couldn’t believe he chose to leave me. It made me so mad. I cannot comprehend how he would walk away from someone as amazing as I am. I am beautiful, talented, hard-working, intelligent, loving, kind, thoughtful, an excellent mom and so much more. I’m the whole package.  I chose him and I chose to stay with him through some really dark years. I went to church on my own since we were newlyweds. I supported him. I took care of him. I did so much.  I remember wondering if I should just give up; if I had made a mistake by marrying him because depression sucks the life out of everyone next to that person.  There were days on end that he wouldn’t even talk to me.  I had no help with the kids on most days. It was awful in so many ways.  Then I would remember his smile and his jokes. I would read a note he wrote and I would fall in love again.  I would get him on a hike and we would laugh and talk. I loved to corner him in a car and just chatter at him.  We could talk for hours and never run out of words.  His vocabulary was expansive. I loved listening to him read to me. I loved so much about him so I put up with crap that came too.  I remember asking God just a few months before he killed himself if I had made a mistake. I remember getting the answer that I hadn’t so I kept going thinking that this situation would eventually right itself. It didn’t. Jason chose to leave me.  He might as well have cheated on me or walked out on me for the amount of damage it did to my heart. My friend said she worried about my heart breaking today. It already broke. It broke a long time ago and then shattered on October 21, 2014 but you know, it’s pretty tough and so it’s healing quite well.  The problem is that I don’t know if I can repair this part of our relationship.  I don’t know if he is the one I want to spend eternity with.  Bless my friend for asking one day if we always have to be with our families. I don’t know now. I’m that hurt by what Jason did and the mess he left me to clean up but I don’t have to decide now but just for the record, Jason really messed this one up.  It may just be one too many things for me to handle. If I find someone that loves me and my kids and helps me raise them and care for them then I might chose him to spend eternity with. The other thing that I had a friend tell me today though was that Jason gave me my children. Without him I would have these amazing souls in my life and they are fantastic.

I’ll have to think and pray and probably forgive but Friday night I was angry at him.

I was hurt beyond belief.  I ached and those tears just wouln’t stop coming. I hate that. I hate crying. I just want to walk in the sun.  I just want joy and happiness. I’m so tired of rain clouds especially when I didn’t cause them. I’m tired of the consequences of others actions. If I was making the bad choices I would own the consequences but I hate owning the consequences from other people’s choices.

 

The interesting thing though is that even though I rant about how tired I am of dealing with the consequences of other’s actions.  I think that it is a little short sighted of me. (Okay, it is very short sighted of me.)  I have made my mistakes along the way. I chose to come to this imperfect world. I had to know that this life wouldn’t be easy and that I would have challenges. In fact, I’m absolutely certain I knew that my husband would kill himself and that I would have chosen him anyway. The good days made up for the awful ones but this ache is lame. I hate it so much. So when I read about repentance a few days later, I realized I have great need to repent and on many levels. I need to repent for my anger at Jason and find a way to forgive him. That’s going to take time; a lot of time because I’m really angry and hurt. I need to repent every day for the mistakes I make in regards to my kids. There are so many unkind words and frustrations that happen daily that I have a need every night to ask God to forgive me and I’ll get up and try again but I need to acknowledge my faults.  I also found that I learned that I need to repent for not recognizing Christ’s hand in my repentance. I don’t acknowledge that when I ask for forgiveness but that really is the only way to obtain forgiveness.

 

I’m going to be okay.  I really am. I’m not going to fall apart but I am going to have bad days.  The thing about me though is that I am resilient. Those awful, miserable days can come, and I know I’ll get through it. I’ll even find good in it, but I also know that I’ll wake up in the morning and I’ll tackle something else and I’ll make that day great also.  I’m going to cry but I will find my way into the sunshine.  I know it. This is such a vast roller coaster of emotions, but Friday was still good though. I still made good things happen. I swam. I’m a good swimmer and I get in that water and it feels so natural. I love to just float at the end of my swim. I just lay there and I never sink at all. It’s probably the one place I feel truly graceful; that coming from someone who has bruises all over and runs into walls. The water is safe.  I took the kids rock climbing. I fed them.  I think it’s good when I feed them because sometimes I don’t and they have to live of Ramen Noodles.  (Thank goodness I taught them how to use the stove.) I went to the dinosaur museum. I laughed.  I cleaned all my floors and I folded the laundry. I didn’t put it away, but folded is pretty darn good.  I painted something. It may not be a masterpiece but I did it.  I’m going to be okay.  I really am. I’m not going to fall apart but I am going to have bad days.  The thing about me though is that I am resilient. Those awful, miserable days can come and I know I’ll get through it. I’ll even find good in it but I also know that I’ll wake up in the morning and I’ll tackle something else and I’ll make that day great also.  I’m going to cry but I will find my way into the sunshine.  I know it.  You know what else? I’m going to find someone amazing to share the rest of this life with me. I don’t know when or how but it’s coming and it is going to be amazing. You see if I really have a partner that can help me soar then I’m pretty sure my amazing will be unstoppable.
My entrance into grief came crashing into existence the day I found out my son’s heart was no longer beating and I would have to deliver his tiny body.  On October 21, 2014 I was plunged into another pool of grief when my husband, who had lived with depression for years, chose to take his own life. This leaves me at 38 to raise four amazing children ages 14, 11, 9 and 3 on my own.  We cope with anxiety and depression in various forms.  How do I go on? I know God loves me and that he has a plan for me. I know that while it is not okay today, it will be in the end.  I also believe firmly in living in today.  After all, today is the day I’m living so I might as well enjoy its glorious chaos.  

  Check out Melinda Mack’s blog at Doing

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