As I look back, I see now that it was fortunate that I did not have my wish granted. Now, I can see that it was better for us to stay here for a time. We needed time to heal, and time to do things that we would not have done if we had moved. I have finally quit worrying about ‘when’ we are to move, and I have learned to be content and patient with God’s timing. I have learned to enjoy and appreciate things about this stage of my life. This is something that has taken me way too long to master and has caused a considerable amount of pain and suffering because I was so unwilling to learn this lesson earlier.
In nearly 4 month, my oldest son will return from his mission. I have felt strongly that we would not move before he came home, but after he returns, the issue of when the house will sell is all up in the air again. Recently, the thought of moving has come back into my mind…
All of the struggles and the hard things of maintaining a large property are still present,
And then there are the memories…
As I wander my home, I see my husband standing in places. I remember conversations we had. I can remember the way he looked at me. In his closet still hang his suits and his ties. We have gone through and gotten rid of many of his things, but the clothes that my boys wanted to keep have remained hanging there for lack of a better place to put them. It is a comfort for me to see them there. Scott is so much a part of this house. He loved it so….
When it’s time for me to go, when my house finally sells, then I will have to close that door.
A door that I thought I was ready to close, but now as that time approaches, there is a longing to leave it open. I will have to go to a home where my husband never lived. I will move to a new state where no one knew him and my two older boys.
I will be a single woman with two children… not a family of six.
It’s hard for me to give that up. When I lost my spouse, it was more than half of me that I lost. One third of me was ‘him’ and a third of me was ‘us,’ and the third of me that remains is hard to make sense of. Staying here and in this place has allowed me to retain some of the part that was ‘us.’ When I leave, I will just be the remaining one third.
I will also lose my safety net of family and friends and the people that I serve. I will be starting completely from scratch with no family around to support me. I know it will mean new experiences for me and my children, opportunities to date, opportunities to do different things. I will be giving up my extended family to be closer to my sons out at college. There are good things and somewhat scary things on both sides.
I am glad that I can finally see both ways as opportunities. If the house sells this summer, I will get to be near Alex and I know that there will be some exciting and hard adventures ahead. I can be confident though, that the experiences we will have will be the ones that God wants us to have, and that He will help us through all those difficult things just as He has helped me through the last two years.
But if I am to stay here another year until Cooper returns, then I will know that there are people here I still need to touch. I will get to teach seminary another year, and although that has been a difficult and time-consuming endeavor, the blessings and learning have far outweighed the costs. I can see reasons why my children may need to be here another year as well.
Not a place of sitting still, but of active waiting. Learning and doing all I can do in the circumstances that I am placed. I’m in a place of being content with what has been allotted to me, yet hopeful for future changes.
I wish that I could have seen through this perspective years ago.
How much struggling and suffering this would have alleviated! But I guess we all learn from experience, and sometimes that is the hard way.
I share this with you today to help your perspective. If there’s something that you are desperately desiring that is not occurring, try to get in a place where you can see the benefits of both sides. When we get there and we really turn our wants and wills over to the Lord, then He can replace the stress and anxiety with peace as we patiently wait for things to unfold in time.
Questions to Ponder:
In what ways have you learned this lesson in your life?
How can you apply it to struggles that you are currently facing?
How does gratitude help us get in this place quicker?
Please post back your thought, I love to hear from you.