There is a song by Hillary Weeks called, If I Only Had Today, that I heard this weekend at women’s motivational retreat. Quite honestly, it was really hard for me to hear. I struggled to fight back the tears and stay composed. I even thought of bolting from the room, but I didn’t want to make a scene so I stayed and just listened. It couldn’t get over fast enough…
So why am I writing a post about it, in the dark at 5:00 am on Sunday morning?
Honestly, I would rather not… but I woke up this morning so compelled that I needed to share this message, so I am following what I call a prompting from the Spirit. I believe someone out there needs this message, and that is more important than the pain that it causes me.
The song is about all of the things you would do if you knew you only had today left to live. Although I have many more days of my own, I do not have those days with my husband anymore. She sings of all of my regrets….
The time my husband came home and I had my hands in the chicken and I didn’t wash them and go to him with a hug and a kiss…
The time when he wanted to talk me into staying in bed on a Saturday morning, but I wiggled away because I just had to go running…
How he always said I love you first, and I rarely ever initiated that sentiment…
I know these are not big things.
We had an amazing marriage and were in a really good place when the accident happened, and for that I am very grateful. I know so many other people who have lost spouses that have far bigger demons to deal with, and if these little things still bring back so much pain for me almost 2 years later, I can only imagine how much pain they feel.
The truth is that we cannot go back and change the past. We can only live in the present and change things for the future. Those regrets can eat you and destroy everything good in your life if you let them, or they can compel you to make changes and do things better… maybe not with the person you lost, but there are other relationships that need mending.
So what is the point of dredging up all of these feelings of loss again?
Yesterday I couldn’t see one…
but today, this morning, I see something new.
I see that I still have children, parents and siblings to love.
Even though I cannot go back and change the past, I can change today for them.
This is about reflecting on my priorities every morning in my prayers. It is about putting people before tasks and relationships above mortal accomplishments.
So I invite you to listen to this song and not reflect on mistakes that you have made in the past, but to think forward and to think of what you could do with those relationships today to build and strengthen them. I invite you to pick out one thing to work on this week to help your priorities be in a better place.
- Maybe it is to forgive someone who was close to you, and to work on rebuilding that relationship
- Maybe it is to drop what you want to do and spend time with someone doing what they want to do
- Maybe it is to work on how you speak to a loved one, or to say I love you more often.
Questions to Ponder:
- How can recognizing past mistakes and committing to making changes help you overcome feelings of regret and guilt?