He is going on a foreign mission for my church, and he can email once a week and call on Christmas and Mother’s day- that is it. I did this a year ago with my oldest son… Both of my sons… my men, who I have relied on and leaned on, gone for a whole year.
How can I be sad about that?
Yet sadness is still there.
Sadness is part of loss.
It is the cost of love.
Last weekend was hard. I felt like we were waiting for the impending doom to hit. I had to repeatedly remind myself that he was coming home. I remember feeling like that with my oldest as well. I was really trying hard to put on a happy face, but I think EVERYONE felt the sadness, not just me. Sunday came. He was speaking in church, family was coming to see him off, and I desperately wanted to dispel the cloud of sadness so that we could enjoy the last few days. So I prayed, really, I pleaded…
“Please take this from me, just until he leaves. Not for me, but for him. I don’t want him to remember his mom being sad. I need to be happy for him. I will even take all the sadness back after he leaves, if I can just have two days.”
I went to church, and when he began to speak, I was filled with such an amazing feeling. Happy, and full and running over… It caused me to cry, and I’m sure people thought I was sad about him leaving, but it was just the opposite. I was being carried. The sadness was just gone… just like that. So abruptly… I have only ever experienced enabling help so powerfully like that one other time in my life.
“Why was I having such a hard time with this? It is so easy now.” I knew I could not be carried like this forever. This was a gift… a vacation from grief.
Why doesn’t God always make it easy for me?
Because He could… I know He could…. I felt that sadness totally and completely gone… But He doesn’t because if I was always carried then…
- I would not think it special and I would not know that He was helping me. I would think that it was all just me. To really understand joy you have to know sadness.
- I would not have empathy and understanding for others who were suffering without that aided help.
- I would not feel the need to daily, sometimes hourly think of God, turn to Him and ask for Help. The pain helps me remember my need for Him.
- I would never learn to do this by myself. God wants me to be independent… to act and choose to do good and be good even when it is hard.
But everything that is hard gives
me opportunities for growth.
Growth that I need,
growth that I want.
Questions to Ponder:
- When have you been enabled by grace? How do those past experiences give you hope?