Flashbacks

Today has been one of “those” days.  I have been having flashbacks.  I am remembering the suffering.  I am remembering the days where Paul was vomiting over and over…there was nothing I could do…I felt so helpless.  I am remembering those words…”Paul is terminal.  There is nothing left to do…”  I am remembering the whole hospice experience… I am remembering the fear of raising my children alone… I am remembering the day he died…he died laying right next to me…I reached over to feel his chest…there was no movement…I flipped on the light…I knew he was gone…I knew that his body was only a shell…the spirit that was housed in that body was in a much better place…I wept tears of joy for him and tears of sadness for me…

 
I am also remembering how I got through those tough times.  I am remembering how I am getting through these tough times. 
 
The last couple months of Paul’s life were spent mostly at home.  We were either at the hospital, doctor’s appointments or at home.  I am remembering a Sunday that I was home with him…I did not go to church that day…I was in the shower feeling very sad and distraught…the song “A Child’s Prayer” came into my mind.  As I was singing it in my head, I started to sob uncontrollably.  The shower was and still is a safe place.  I can meditate and cry.  It is my time…no children…no cell phone…nothing but me and hot running water.
 
Unbeknownst to me, at that same time, they were singing this very song in my church.  My friend shared that with me after I told her about my day.  Anyway, as I was singing this song in my head, I had a warm feeling (no it was not just the hot water) that God and my Savior Jesus Christ were there for me.   That, yes, my prayers are heard and answered.  They just might not be answered in the way I would like them to be or in the time frame that I feel they should be answered.
 
I have discovered through my trials that prayer is key to survival.  
Richard G. Scott said, “The counsel about prayer is true. I have tested it thoroughly in the laboratory of my own personal life. I have discovered that what sometimes seems an impenetrable barrier to communication is a giant step to be taken in trust.”
 
I have discovered that trust in God is imperative.  Back in October, 2013, I wrote a post on Trusting God.  If I trust God than I need to trust that prayer is a true principle.  The only way I can discover if something is true, is to act.  So, if I want to know if prayer really works, I need to pray!  
This I know.  Everyone can pray.  Everyone can receive help from God. God loves all his children no matter what religion or lack of religion they participate in.  There is great power in prayer.
 
This I also know.  Prayers are not always answered immediately.  We do not get everything we pray for because God knows what is best for us.  He knows our plan. Sometimes we do not recognize that our prayers were answered because we are too busy to notice.  Prayer is not about convincing God that your will is better than His. It is about aligning our will with His. Prayer is about putting your trust in Him, that He will be by your side directing you on your path.

Please watch! This song has a beautiful message!

 

 

Comments

  1. wrote on March 21st, 2014 at 4:56 pm

    Stacey Anderson

    Beautiful Sandra..your posts always inspire and help to keep my soul pointed in the right direction. I very much relate to the flashbacks. For me it’s losing my mother, we were almost attached at the hip. It’s been almost 17 years and I still have my flashback days…I didn’t think grief would be this way. I thought 10 years on life would be just humming along..no, not the way I thought..the missing never really ends. A hole that just cannot be filled. I cannot know the sorrow of losing your soul mate, especially one such as Paul. We still think of Paul often, though I never got to meet him, I could tell he was that one in a million soul. Know that you and your girls remain in our prayers and thoughts. Your strength and insights are a gift.

  2. wrote on March 23rd, 2014 at 1:44 am

    Not4Naught

    I love this, “Prayer is not about convincing God that your will is better than His.” It is about making our will allign with His. As we discuss our hearts desires and problems with Him, we come to know that He loves us and we seek to know what He would have us do. In pray we can become one with Him.