Let Your Light So Shine…
How can I be so different from 15 months ago? How can one single event, encompassing only a few minutes so completely and utterly changed me? Today I had a conversation with my two relators that I had not planned on having that took up over a hour. They were coming to take pictures before I listed my home. The girl I was before would have been cordial but abrupt and rushed wanting to get onto the next task. I would have been frazzled by trying to get the house in perfect condition, and I would have be irritated that my day was being delayed by having ‘to deal’ with a person that I was quite frankly indifferent towards. My life was full of to do lists and tasks to be done. I measured my self worth by what I got accomplished in a day. I relished comments such as, “I don’t know how you do it all. How do you get so much done?” To which I always replied that multitasking and goal setting was the key. In that moment when my world came crashing down, all of the multitasking and to do lists and temporal accomplishment seems very insignificant and empty. The only thing that mattered was my relationship with my husband. How I wished that I could regain minutes pouring over recipes when we were traveling together or evenings prepping fancy breakfasts while he sat upstairs watching reruns of Fraiser. Now, don’t get me wrong. Scott and I spent a lot of time reconnecting everyday. I met him for lunch, we texted and we always tried to go on an evening walk or sat in the tub together (depending on how his knees felt at the end of the day.) In fact, I sacrificed a lot of relationships with other friends to be with my husband, and I don’t regret a moment of that. But his loss made me want to gather up every wasted or lost minute just to have a few more of them. At his funeral, I was shocked at the shear numbers of people who came, who he had influenced, who wrote letters and stories about the difference he made in their lives. I thought…If it had been me, then maybe a hundred people would have shown up, all of which would probably have been related to me. I was struck by how little my life had made a difference. Sure, I was very involved in my little family circle. I cared for their needs and I had developed close relationships with them, but beyond that I had very little influence. I shared very little of myself and wanted to know even less about those around me. The truth was I DID NOT CARE for very many people. It was at the funeral that I resolved that my life needed to change… that I needed to make a difference. I was literally compelled to make a difference. The morning after the accident, my mother-in-law called me to tell me that they had not landed the night before. In that moment I knew that something was dreadfully wrong. I knew that they were gone, and I heard a voice in the back of my mind so clearly… I know that it was Scott. He said, “We chose this. This was part of the plan. You have to be strong. This will heal many hearts.” Through the interviews and the funerals I felt this sustaining power that literally held me together and encouraged me to be strong. It gave me the words to say and the direction I was to take. Over the past 15 months I have learned how to continue to listen to that voice and to heed that direction that comes from God. Now a days people do not want to talk of God or spiritual experiences. We are so afraid that we will offend. I talk about God because my experiences could not be explained or relayed without Him. Before, there were things that I believed, things I had strong convictions about. Now those things are no longer beliefs, experience after experience has turned them into knowledge. I know there are people out there who are hungry for that knowledge. They are lost and they just don’t know where to turn or how to get help. After my conversation with my relators today I realized that I need to share more of my experiences on my blog. The girl I am today knows that building relationships and helping others by sharing my experiences is more important than anything on my to do list. In fact, in September I decided no more completely scheduled days. I said to God, “I’m here in Springfield for another year because my house didn’t sell. All of my plans cannot happen now. I have to have something more important to do than clean my house and take care of my yard. I will go crazy if that is all that my life is.” I decided to turn it all over to God. Everyday now I start with spiritual study after I get kids off to school and exercise. As I study and write about what I am learning, I find that ideas come to mind such as “You need to blog about that, or call so and so. or go visit this person.” If it pops into my head and is a good thing, I just go ahead and do it! I told God, “I will do whatever you want me to do if you will just take care of me.” He is keeping His end of the bargain, so I just do whatever I am told. I don’t worry if it is just me or if it is Him. If it is a good thing then I just do it and figure better safe than sorry. As a result of doing, I get prompted to do a lot more things.
A Miracle happened.
As I reached out to help people I found that I had days filled with happiness. I was lifted. I was enabled by a power beyond my own, and I was healing. So listening to the Spirit, doing what it said, serving and helping our people was the key to healing? Yes, it was that simple for me. Doing those things allowed His grace (enabling power) to fill my life. Not only that, because I was trying to help people my studying became more directed and I found that the things that I learned were helping me to change things about me that honestly needed to change. I was becoming more compassionate and empathetic. I was less judgmental and more forgiving. I was actually being to CARE about the people around me. They were no long an irritation or someone that I HAD to deal with. As I opened up, they began to open up and I began to see ways that I could help heal and help them. I learned EVERYONE has hidden secrets and hurts. Everyone needs healing in some aspect or another. So now If the opportunity arrises I take an extra hour just to share myself and what I have learned in this process. At the end of the day, I do not tally the loads of laundry that I got done, or rave about my perfectly plated dinner. I look at who I have helped today, and I make sure that everyday I reach out somewhere, somehow to someone. There is so much darkness in this world. Sometimes it seems to overpower all of the light. We need to share more light. Because if there is a contest between dark and light, the light always overpowers the dark.