Yesterday was kind of a gray day for me. I say gray because it wasn’t a dark day. Thankfully I seemed to have moved past those now, but it definitely wasn’t a sunny day either. I just felt kind of ‘blah’ all day long. I know the rain, and cold and the cloud cover outside were not helping my emotional status, but it was more than that. I was tired, having had only 3 hours of sleep the night before, but my mind was also a little troubled. Not being able to do the yard work I had planned, I decided to tackle some of the boxes of photos I intended to get scrapbooked this winter. Going through the pictures didn’t seem to help. I was reminded of times and memories when Scott was present and that continued to add to my sadness. Scrapbooking isn’t hugely mentally engaging, so I let my mind wander far to much to the future and to worries and concerns about what may happen in the next few years. So many things to think about and wrap my head around. So many roads to take and options and wondering which one the Lord will lead me down. So many FEARS. Can I really do what the Lord wants me to? Will I be strong enough for the task at hand? I know I need to stay in the present and just NOT go there yet. The answers are not coming, the time is not right to know them yet, but my curiosity leads me to this place every now and then.
Since the one year mark, I have felt an excited anticipation for the coming year and the big changes looming before me. Most days that has been more like waiting for Christmas because I have felt these will be good, happy changes. Today I was focusing on the difficulties I would encounter with those changes. I don’t know why I expect to have a free ride for the rest of my life. I know that loosing a husband doesn’t give me a ‘trials exempt’ card, nor do I really want it to be the case. At one time I had hoped it would, but I have learned that is not what this life is about. This life is about learning what we need to learn through those trials and letting those trials refine and shape us so we can become who the Lord wants us to become. We came here for this purpose, so why would I want an “exempt’ card from the very experiences I came to have? Because every now and then I let the mortal part of me take over and worry. I turn from faith to fear.
After a day of pondering and scenario building I called a close widow friend of mine. She said, “Veronica, don’t go there. STAY IN THE PRESENT.” She reminded me of her blog about that ( I linked it back there). She told me to go do some studying. So I got my kids dinner, my son’s teenage friends coming over for a movie party settled, and I cuddled up in bed with my scriptures. Reading these things brought the spirit back into my heart and it dispelled the fear for the future, and I slept soundly that night.
This morning the clouds were still covering the sky, but beautiful light filtered through them into my bedroom window. I let myself sleep in- definitely a rarity for me! Well rested and with the added perspective of the night, the light of the morning filled me with hope and confidence for the future.
45 Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven. -D&C 121:45
Faith allows me to understand that if I turn to the Lord, no matter what is in my future, I will be given the knowledge and the strength to accomplish and be successful in all of my righteous endevors. Scott’s favorite scripture from the Book of Mormon comes to mind, the one he had me memorize shortly after we got married. It has been such a comfort to me especially through this time..
33 And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me -Moroni 7:33
So I hold on to my covenants and those promises that the Lord has made to me. I trust that He will lead and guide our family to that path that will ultimately bring us the greatest joy and help us to all return to Him and to my husband.
Questions to Ponder:
1. How does staying present help you to fight fear? (read the linked posts as well)
2. How did studying the scriptures help to fight off the despair?