Early on in my grieving I found that I was lifted and that my sorrow was more bearable,
During the initial month surrounding the funeral, I was involved in sharing my beliefs with others who had questions about my faith. I naturally spent a lot of time studying spiritual things and that carried me through. People remarked,
“How are you doing this? How are you coping so well?”
When my friends’ interest ended, I found myself sucked into the realities of life. I had big financial and legal problems, a large home to sell and take care of, and a move to prepare for.
It was easy for me to get lost in the phone calls, paper work, and house hold duties, and for me to neglect the study that I had done early on.
I began to see a pattern in my days…
I began to try and change my priorities, but that did not happen over night. I struggled back and forth to remember that lesson. Here is a journal excerpt from 6 weeks out…
Dec 21, 2012
I have been slacking in my writing. I am on the plane on the way to Provo, and I finally found some time to write.
The 19th was our 20th wedding anniversary and I spent it driving up to St Louis to go to the temple with my mom and two sisters that live there. It was wonderful to be there and to feel the spirit and feel Scott near me. Everything has new meaning to me now that my eternal companion is on the other side. How grateful I am for the covenants that I have made in the temple and for the assurance that if I am faithful that Scott and I will be able to be together again as an eternal family. I feel that those covenants bind us together now.
When I am feeling the spirit I feel like I can handle the time we are apart now.
Yesterday I plowed back into financial and legal concerns. I worried about getting everything ready for our trip and for our early Christmas Eve that night.
It was a bad day.
I felt discouraged and worried and stressed, and I cried on and off all day.
I realized that I hadn’t taken the time to study and read my scriptures.
I wasn’t taking time to feel the spirit.
What a stark contrast it was from the day before.
I am learning…
I have to take time for spiritually things-
not just that it is good,
but that I HAVE TO,
that I can’t survive and function if I don’t!